Have you ever been completely friendless?
by Len Bon
Summary: Set after 3.03. Mercedes insulting Rachel and hating her wasn't the problem - it was the inaccuracy that Mercedes had. Rachel Berry would fix that by revealing her darkest pain. Now a twoshot.
1. Dear Mercedes

_I know I haven't finished any of my other fictions, but I saw episode 3.03 of glee and I knew I had to write this. I love Rachel's character and normally don't mind Mercedes, but Mercedes was so wrong. Rachel is misunderstood and is hurting inside so much, I really think that what Mercedes said was wrong, and this is me allowing Rachel to counteract._

_There will be bits in there that I put in myself and didn't really happen according to canon, but I do feel that it isn't completely ooc for Rachel to have done that so..._

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><p><strong>Dear Mercedes,<strong>

I don't really know how to write this, I just know I have to. You won't talk to me, you won't reply to my texts, heck you barely even look at me.

Have you ever been completely friendless? Have you ever walked down these halls not being acknowledged by anybody? Have you ever had to have a facial slushy alone? You've always had Kurt or Tina or Artie there by your side or some other Glee kid. When you've been sad or hurt, you've had somebody there to comfort you. I've never had that.

When we started to become friends through Kurt, I couldn't believe it. Two friends. Two whole friends. How sad is that? Before Glee, nobody even spoke to me in school (unless they were mocking or insulting me) and then I suddenly could call two people when I was feeling lonely and they would willingly socialise with me. You are so lucky you never really had to endure that.

I am going to tell you something that only my dads and staff at school know. I tried to commit suicide in the summer. I was overwhelmed and lonely so I o.d-ed. It was stupid and idiotic, I know but I did it anyway.

Do you remember the day that you and Kurt both said you were busy but actually went to Santana's party instead? I know you lied to protect my feelings and you really didn't think I'd find out. I did. Finn had stupidly mentioned it earlier in the week and I lied, saying I had a family visit to an aunt the other side of Lima, simply because I wasn't invited and I didn't want him to feel sorry for me.

I figured that maybe you and Kurt weren't invited either as well as a few others because we aren't cool enough. Then you were 'busy' but I saw the pictures on facebook. Mocking me about how even my only friends had a social life and had better things to do than be with me. I suddenly remembered the life I had before you and Kurt were in my life and I couldn't take it. Depression has always been a companion of mine because I haven't always had the easiest time at school and it struck hard when I thought about it. I couldn't even contemplate my time without friends again, and so I did the only rational thing at the time, and decided I wouldn't go back to that stage.

It didn't succeed with my Dads returning from holiday a day early. I guess in a way I am thankful.

Why am I telling you this? You asked why nobody wanted to hurt my feelings, and that is why. Everybody is walking on eggshells around me.

I've been hurt far more than you can begin to imagine in my life time. Your family wants you; you have a mum that cares for you. Shelby rejected me. Everybody in glee thinks it was mutual because I told them so; it wasn't. She told me she didn't want me – that contacting me was a mistake. I also assume you know that Shelby then adopted Beth.

I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me, I just need you to know.

I wasn't in glee boot camp because I was at the therapists. You asked why I wasn't there, how I get away with it. Try committing suicide, and you'll be let off by Shue as well... especially if you mention him in your suicide note.

Yes, because I don't get every solo or everything I want from glee. Were you not there for the countless times he has yelled at me? All the time he has given my solo to Quinn? I may have stolen your solo's but I also had mine stolen from me. Some days I'd get home and cry endlessly after Shue shouted at me or ignored all the retorts that the club came up with towards me. I stayed because I only have one talent: singing.

I suppose that is why I haven't given you Maria. I know you are a better singer, okay? I saw your audition and knew that you should be given the part of Maria because you were better, okay? I know you are better, okay? That is why you are liked. I got the part by default but I can't give it to you. I know I should, I wish I could, but it kills me inside. The choking feeling I get when I'm lonely or if I forget to take one of my anti-depressants squeezes my chest. I want to cry and never stop.

I know this won't change anything. You'll still resent me, still be in my mother's show choir, still not be my friend. I just... I need you to see my side of the story because it wasn't as clear cut as you made it sound. I haven't done any of it to hurt you or to belittle you, I'm just selfish, obnoxious Rachel Berry, and for that I am so very sorry.

**Signed the star who does not compare to you but cannot share the spotlight,**

**Rachel Berry.**

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><p><em>What did you think of my first Glee fanfiction? Please just review or let me know so that I can tell where to go from here. I hope my character development didn't make any of you hate this story.<em>


	2. Dear Rachel

_After such a response* to Chapter 1, I decided to turn this oneshot into a twoshot. I did get intune with Mercedes when writing this, because I understand where she is coming from... I hope you find it insightful? And less biased towards Rachel (no promises due to Rach being mah favourite character)?_

_*Yes, I count 5+ responses and amazingly good ;) Also, many of them asked for a response from Mercedes._

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><p><strong>Dear Rachel,<strong>

You said you wanted me to understand, well how about we try it the other way round, shall we? You think you are the only one who secretly hurts inside and the only one with loneliness? You aren't.

Rachel Barbara Berry, have you ever been second best? Even with the spotlight, after losing solos every so often, was it ever truly lost? Have you once looked in the mirror and thought, I'm not good enough for this? I don't think you really have, because you don't settle for second best but some of us don't have a choice.

I never get my solo, Rachel. I fight and fight but somehow, I'm always beaten to it. Somebody is prettier, thinner, more determined than me. Even when I do get a solo – when I get to sing my heart out and be heard – I'm not really in the spotlight because it still belongs to somebody else. I get my solo when you don't want it, or when Santana has a sore throat; never because I apparently 'deserve' it.

That does something to somebody, you know. Jesse St James once stated that I was lazy because I didn't try hard enough or practice long enough. Want to know why? I was tired of trying just to be shot down. I knew I wouldn't get that spot so what was the point of practising a choreography just to be told it didn't compare to Rachel Berry standing still and simply singing?

Do you remember when I got to close the show? That was after you told me how I wasn't determine enough... You said I had the friends whilst you didn't, but you're wrong. Remember Kurt? My best friend, you know him, right? I know you do because now you are the one he calls best friend instead of me.

I get why, don't get me wrong. You two have all this and that in common and stuff like that; it doesn't hurt less. He chose you over me. He didn't even know he was doing it and neither did you, but I saw it. The way that Kurt/Mercedes time was made less and less whilst Kurt/Rachel time increased tenfold. I told myself that I didn't need him because I had other friends, I even have a boyfriend. It didn't shift the sadness I feel about it when at 7.30pm every night my phone doesn't ring like it used to for Gossip hour.

I have a question: what time does he ring you? Do you sing with each other at the end of it?

Maybe I haven't tried to commit suicide like you did, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings! Yes, you sang well in the audition and you would make a good Maria, I just know that for once I truly was better. I didn't step off that stage thinking "what if..." or hating myself for not beating you. When I went home that night I was able to look in the mirror and say "I wasn't second best but instead number one!" which is a rare occurrence for me.

It did kill me inside to hear we both got the role because I thought I was finally good enough! I thought that I, for once, had outshone Miss Berry, but I didn't.

Now I sound pathetic, and I'm not. You bring out the worst in me so often. You make me start to demand things that are irrational and to think things that are demeaning about myself! That isn't fair. I thought that when we became friends, even via Kurt, it would change things. Then we spoke in the car and I felt like we connected. I thought you finally understood, would give me the chance to shine as bright as you are able to. I guess I was mistaken and don't really have your support after all.

You know what? I guess I'm reaching a stage where I just don',t care any more. I don't think I have to respect you just because you can sing. I can sing just as well, heck so can Kurt. Why do you get to be centre of attention again? So you get called more names than me and sure you get slushied more than me, it doesn't mean you deserve it more. Mr Shue didn't even care about that before so why now?

It doesn't matter anyway now. I have quit glee; well at least New Directions. I couldn't showcase my talent at all and was tired of being in your shadow. This may hurt you, but what do I care because we aren't friends any more – I joined your mother's show choir. I know I'll get to be the best I can be when I'm in there.

I take that back, by the way. I am sorry about your mum not wanting you but it isn't enough of a reason to hold me back. You didn't care enough about my feelings to not take the part of Maria and so this is really potAto and potato. I bet you get the sympathy and Kurt.

I don't want to hurt you or anybody else, but I don't want to hurt myself more. I need to do this because it is killing me when I'm not. I'm sorry, I guess, just not sorry enough not to do this because I need to. You are determined and you must be able to see which angle I am coming from.

Girl, I'm sorry we can't be friends.

**Mercedes.**

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><p><em>Tell me now? How bad, good or any other adjective was it? I really want to know what you thought because I don't really know how well I portrayed Mercedes at all. :)<em>**  
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